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| The posters looked shockingly like this. |
He had obviously been under the impression that his demigod, Jesus of Nazareth, the main character of the best selling book "The Holy Bible", was the actual savior of the human race. Naturally, this is wrong. He had several questions for us; however, due to a prior engagement (possibly a yoga class) he did not have the time to stick around to physically ask us about his concerns. But Stephen, ever thoughtful person that he was, left a list of questions for us to answer and eventually tell him whenever he found it within the means of his busy schedule to visit one of our events again. Here is a picture. If you can't read it, don't worry, I will rewrite each question for you. As an officially ordained minister of Pastafarianism by no particular organization at all, I feel well qualified to address these concerns.
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| The ripped off part was found in a trash can outside the room. We didn't do that. |
1) Is there any evidence that the Flying Spaghetti Monster ever existed?
Already, Steve comes out with the hard hitting questions. There's no pulling the wool over his eyes, I can see. The evidence for the FSM is all around you. Its in the blueness of the sky, a kitten's purr, the majesty of a mountain range, or even the twinkle in the eye of a homeless man. These may seem like metaphorical analogies to you, because they are. My point is that the evidence for the FSM is the world, and you being in it. More specifically, the fact that you are on it and not suffocating in the vacuum of space. You see, the FSM didn't just exist in the past, he exists now, every day. We know this because we are walking on the ground, not the abyss. He holds each of us down with his noodly appendages, keeping us solidly placed on the earth, rather than floating into space where there is no air. What you would call gravity is actually the work of the FSM, and the most visible example of his existence.
2) Is there any evidence that the Flying Spaghetti Monster was boiled?
This is quite obvious. Through his wisdom, he has allowed us to see the process of his boiling whenever we make a batch of spaghetti, his chosen food. It stands to reason that even an eternal ageless being was at one point a child. As a young Flying Spaghetti Monsterette, he was obviously very rigid and stiff. We know this because spaghetti that comes out of the package is also rigid and stiff. Yet, when we boil that spaghetti, it becomes all loosey-goosey. Obviously, it would be very difficult to create a universe with rigid noodles. Try keeping your body perfectly straight and doing your day to day activities. It will be hard, if not impossible. The same goes for the FSM. Once he boiled himself, and became able to move his appendages freely and easily, he was able to make the universe by placing each and every subatomic particle in its proper place.
3) If he boiled for our sins, did he define "sins"? Are "sins" the same as "mistakes?" Or are sins so heinous that it would be necessary that he die for my sins?
Pastafarians don't believe in Original Sin. Instead, we understand the nature of the human condition, and that we make mistakes and do bad things, or to use the technical definition: dick moves. He did not make them up, just noticed that certain things we do hurt others, or at the least annoy them. He created the 8 I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts to advise us against doing these things. We find them reasonable, and there's no need for anyone to die. Why would he die? That seems silly.
4) Why was he boiled for our sins?
See 2 and 3
5) Was it voluntary on his part to be boiled?
Yep.
6) After he was boiled, did he rise from the dead?
The FSM never died. Spaghetti doesn't die when it's boiled, it just becomes floppy. He was, however, put through a strainer to get all the excess water off.
7) If he rose from the dead, did the SSaSS officers witness his resurrection? Are they willing to die for claiming that the Flying Spaghetti Monster rose from the dead?
Whoa, Esteban, what's with this obsession with dying? The SSaSS officers did not witness this, though again, as I responded in 2, we have good evidence that this happened. We'd really rather they not die for this.
8) Can he raise me from the dead?
Why would you want that? You know what zombies look like, right? When you die, if the FSM religion is true rather than any of the millions of religions that have existed over the course of all human history, each having claim to their own version of an afterlife which varies from culture to culture and reflects the ideals of what was really good depending on that society's time, or the possibility that this is your one life and you should live it to the fullest and die happy knowing that it was well lived, you will be rewarded with a beer volcano and stripper factory. That's a pretty sweet deal to me.
9) Will he judge Hitler/me?
Well Stefan, I certainly hope you're not comparing yourself to Hitler. He was a pretty bad guy, and you? You're okay in my book. Remember that one time we did that one thing somewhere with the Brazilian circus troupe? Good times. But he does judge us, based on how much of a dick we were in life. If you were a dick, like Hitler, you will go to FSM hell, where the beer is stale, and the strippers are ugly and full of venereal diseases, much like Reno, Nevada. If you were an okay guy, you get to go to heaven.
10) Is he personal? Does he love me?
Well duh. He is taking time out of his precious eternity to keep you solidly placed on earth. I mean, if you made a cake, put all that time into making the dough, waiting for the oven to heat up, watching "The Wire" while it bakes, then putting all that delicious frosting on it, would you then take it and throw it on the ground? No. That'd be stupid. Almost as stupid as creating a perfect world then leaving one easily accessible thing that could screw it all up within the reach of a creature that has no concept of consequences! But no deity would be that vapid, especially not the FSM.
11) Has he spoken to us? If so, how? What might motivate me to believe his revelation?
Why yes he has! In the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, available at fine bookstores everywhere, he has bestowed on us all his wisdom. A critical eye might observe that this could have easily been written by one or more people in an attempt to spread their own ideologies and biases into the world, but we don't. Instead, we read and accept its word based on no other outside evidence to support its claims. We ask that you do the same.
12) Is it true that humans are not made in the image of the Spaghetti Monster?
Yes. Duh.
13) If I eat/internalize him will he motivate me to not lust after other women/men?
Steven, the FSM is not a prude, and does not expect you to be. C'mon dude, live a little! He's okay with you pursuing your sexual desires, be they heterosexual, homosexual, or other, as long as it is with a (or more, you sly dog) consenting adult, and does not harm another person (unless that's what they're into). Also, children and animals are no-no's.
14) Can I wash his tentacles, so that I can obligate him to be my friend? Or can I be his friend by his sheer grace alone?
I mean, you can... I guess... if that's what you're into. I know some people have tentacle fetishes. I don't personally, but if that's what you're into, I mean, have at it? Pretty sure he'll be your friend without that though. I'm not sure you should be trying to "obligate" people to be your friend anyway. You know, you guys could go play paintball or see a movie or something. Man, Stevie, you're a character all right.
15) Is the Flying Spaghetti Monster worthy of my worship?
Oh, you know, whatever. As long as you're a decent human being he's okay with not being worshiped. He's not vain or anything, just likes having us around. If you want to worship him you can, but he'd rather you spend your time in other ways, like writing a book, or building a bridge, or writing a book about a bridge. Just live your life and don't be a dick.
I recently read on a t-shirt "Is that all you've got?" i.e. Is the Flying Spaghetti Monster the best the "Secular Students and Skeptics Society" has to offer?
Well, no. In fact, SSaSS doesn't advocate for the belief in any deity, made up or also made up. If there is one philosophical view that we as a group hold dear, it's that this world is amazing. Carl Sagan said it best in his Pale Blue Dot. We are a speck in the universe that sees itself as important. Yet this rock could vanish and the universe would remain intact, floating around about its business. But we are here, and we are special, as possibly (but unlikely) the only form of life in the cosmos. This life is precious, and every day we live it should not be for the glory of something that has no empirical basis whatsoever, but for us and our loved ones. When we take care of each other, we take care of ourselves too. It's not selfish or vain, it's just reality. So no, Stephen, the FSM isn't the best we have to offer. The best we can offer you is you, your life, and the hope that you'll live it out every day and not look back to say it was wasted.
[Cut Off] Jesus is infinitely better than the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
2) Is there any evidence that the Flying Spaghetti Monster was boiled?
This is quite obvious. Through his wisdom, he has allowed us to see the process of his boiling whenever we make a batch of spaghetti, his chosen food. It stands to reason that even an eternal ageless being was at one point a child. As a young Flying Spaghetti Monsterette, he was obviously very rigid and stiff. We know this because spaghetti that comes out of the package is also rigid and stiff. Yet, when we boil that spaghetti, it becomes all loosey-goosey. Obviously, it would be very difficult to create a universe with rigid noodles. Try keeping your body perfectly straight and doing your day to day activities. It will be hard, if not impossible. The same goes for the FSM. Once he boiled himself, and became able to move his appendages freely and easily, he was able to make the universe by placing each and every subatomic particle in its proper place.
3) If he boiled for our sins, did he define "sins"? Are "sins" the same as "mistakes?" Or are sins so heinous that it would be necessary that he die for my sins?
Pastafarians don't believe in Original Sin. Instead, we understand the nature of the human condition, and that we make mistakes and do bad things, or to use the technical definition: dick moves. He did not make them up, just noticed that certain things we do hurt others, or at the least annoy them. He created the 8 I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts to advise us against doing these things. We find them reasonable, and there's no need for anyone to die. Why would he die? That seems silly.
4) Why was he boiled for our sins?See 2 and 3
5) Was it voluntary on his part to be boiled?
Yep.
6) After he was boiled, did he rise from the dead?
The FSM never died. Spaghetti doesn't die when it's boiled, it just becomes floppy. He was, however, put through a strainer to get all the excess water off.
7) If he rose from the dead, did the SSaSS officers witness his resurrection? Are they willing to die for claiming that the Flying Spaghetti Monster rose from the dead?
Whoa, Esteban, what's with this obsession with dying? The SSaSS officers did not witness this, though again, as I responded in 2, we have good evidence that this happened. We'd really rather they not die for this.
8) Can he raise me from the dead?
Why would you want that? You know what zombies look like, right? When you die, if the FSM religion is true rather than any of the millions of religions that have existed over the course of all human history, each having claim to their own version of an afterlife which varies from culture to culture and reflects the ideals of what was really good depending on that society's time, or the possibility that this is your one life and you should live it to the fullest and die happy knowing that it was well lived, you will be rewarded with a beer volcano and stripper factory. That's a pretty sweet deal to me.
9) Will he judge Hitler/me?
Well Stefan, I certainly hope you're not comparing yourself to Hitler. He was a pretty bad guy, and you? You're okay in my book. Remember that one time we did that one thing somewhere with the Brazilian circus troupe? Good times. But he does judge us, based on how much of a dick we were in life. If you were a dick, like Hitler, you will go to FSM hell, where the beer is stale, and the strippers are ugly and full of venereal diseases, much like Reno, Nevada. If you were an okay guy, you get to go to heaven.
10) Is he personal? Does he love me?
Well duh. He is taking time out of his precious eternity to keep you solidly placed on earth. I mean, if you made a cake, put all that time into making the dough, waiting for the oven to heat up, watching "The Wire" while it bakes, then putting all that delicious frosting on it, would you then take it and throw it on the ground? No. That'd be stupid. Almost as stupid as creating a perfect world then leaving one easily accessible thing that could screw it all up within the reach of a creature that has no concept of consequences! But no deity would be that vapid, especially not the FSM.
11) Has he spoken to us? If so, how? What might motivate me to believe his revelation?
Why yes he has! In the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, available at fine bookstores everywhere, he has bestowed on us all his wisdom. A critical eye might observe that this could have easily been written by one or more people in an attempt to spread their own ideologies and biases into the world, but we don't. Instead, we read and accept its word based on no other outside evidence to support its claims. We ask that you do the same.
12) Is it true that humans are not made in the image of the Spaghetti Monster?Yes. Duh.
13) If I eat/internalize him will he motivate me to not lust after other women/men?
Steven, the FSM is not a prude, and does not expect you to be. C'mon dude, live a little! He's okay with you pursuing your sexual desires, be they heterosexual, homosexual, or other, as long as it is with a (or more, you sly dog) consenting adult, and does not harm another person (unless that's what they're into). Also, children and animals are no-no's.
14) Can I wash his tentacles, so that I can obligate him to be my friend? Or can I be his friend by his sheer grace alone?
I mean, you can... I guess... if that's what you're into. I know some people have tentacle fetishes. I don't personally, but if that's what you're into, I mean, have at it? Pretty sure he'll be your friend without that though. I'm not sure you should be trying to "obligate" people to be your friend anyway. You know, you guys could go play paintball or see a movie or something. Man, Stevie, you're a character all right.
15) Is the Flying Spaghetti Monster worthy of my worship?
Oh, you know, whatever. As long as you're a decent human being he's okay with not being worshiped. He's not vain or anything, just likes having us around. If you want to worship him you can, but he'd rather you spend your time in other ways, like writing a book, or building a bridge, or writing a book about a bridge. Just live your life and don't be a dick.
I recently read on a t-shirt "Is that all you've got?" i.e. Is the Flying Spaghetti Monster the best the "Secular Students and Skeptics Society" has to offer?
Well, no. In fact, SSaSS doesn't advocate for the belief in any deity, made up or also made up. If there is one philosophical view that we as a group hold dear, it's that this world is amazing. Carl Sagan said it best in his Pale Blue Dot. We are a speck in the universe that sees itself as important. Yet this rock could vanish and the universe would remain intact, floating around about its business. But we are here, and we are special, as possibly (but unlikely) the only form of life in the cosmos. This life is precious, and every day we live it should not be for the glory of something that has no empirical basis whatsoever, but for us and our loved ones. When we take care of each other, we take care of ourselves too. It's not selfish or vain, it's just reality. So no, Stephen, the FSM isn't the best we have to offer. The best we can offer you is you, your life, and the hope that you'll live it out every day and not look back to say it was wasted.
[Cut Off] Jesus is infinitely better than the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
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